Teeny Manolo

Part of my job here at Teeny Manolo is writing about celebrities and their kids.  Because even though we should all be worried about global warming and the tanking economy, people just cannot seem to get enough Cindy Crawford and Posh Spice.  I wasn’t talking about you, though, I was talking about those guys over there.  The ones that make Perez Hilton and TMZ two of the top sites on the internet.

However, in writing about celebrity parents and their children, I vowed from day one that no matter what, I would not make fun of a famous child.  Ever.  I think that their parents are the ones who have put themselves in a position to be photographed by dozens of paparazzi whilst shopping at Whole Foods and are therefore not exempt.  They are adults who have made presumably adult decisions about what they are wearing and how they look and know full well what they have gotten themselves into. 

The kids, on the other hand, really had no say that they were born or adopted by the likes of Angelina Jolie, Britney Spears, or whoever.  I actually don’t really like how the kids are followed around, I think it is a bit creepy to have a horde snapping pics while you attempt to drop your child off at school.  But, the alternative is to allow them to go out only when disguised with a scarf a la Michael Jackson, or not leave the house at all.  Neither of which are particularly good alternatives.

So I tend to emphasize the positive about celebrity children, even while gently snarking on their parents.  As a fellow parent, I can’t imagine how it would feel to have someone hiding behind a keyboard saying mean things about my kid.  People saying stuff about myself, I could handle.  My kid, not really.  On this issue I can empathize with them.  On the fake tan and boobage issues, uh, not so much.

Thus, while reading about the benefit given by Gucci and Madonna for Malawi, I was shocked to see the things people were saying about Madonna’s daughter Lourdes.  I won’t repeat what they were saying, as I found their remarks immature and inappropriate.   Lourdes is only ten freaking years old, and people are already expecting physical perfection from her.  I find that disheartening and on another level, disturbing.

What’s next? Liposuction for the 8 year old, who in between growth spurts has a bit of a tummy? Hair implants for bald newborns? Cheekbone implants for the roundfaced toddler?

Let’s just allow kids to be kids, shall we? They’ve unfortunately got an entire lifetime ahead of them to worry about their looks.

Shocking as it may be to realize, those beloved Sesame Street characters that we all grew up with have lives outside the limitations of the electric teat. For some, real life is a devastating spiral downward into degradation and depravity (Elmo, I’m looking at you). For some, it is a rude awakening to the hurtful reality that not even Sesame Street is free from the devastating cruelty of office politics (Sorry, Grover).

And, for some, it’s still all about the work. Here is Cookie Monster, whose pipe-eating, Monsterpiece Theatre-hosting, babybrain-poisoning antics have brought him the harsh, unwanted spotlight of global pariahhood, interviewed by NPR’s Elizabeth Blair. Well, somebody’s got to feed the all-consuming media hunger, eh? He takes his place now among the pantheon of notables who have completed the Proust Questionnaire, including Jasper Johns, Norman Mailer, Umberto Eco, Karl Lagerfeld, Catherine Deneuve, and, of course, Karl Rove.

The Munchkin and I went to visit family this past long weekend.  And hey, no carsickness after a seven hour car trip, whoo-hoo!  It’s the little things, my friends, the little things.  I really don’t ask for much in life.  No vomiting, some chocolate once in a while, enough sleep, perhaps a nice long shower, and all is good. 

Anyhoo, my aunt recently bought a trampoline.  I have no idea why, she just did.  Not just any trampoline, a big sucker that practically screamed “I’m fun!”  It also screamed “I can give your five year old a major concussion with just one false move!” but that’s probably just the mom in me.

So my son was bouncing and yelling and throwing koosh balls and generally having a grand time.  My first reaction? Where the hell did I put that camera?  Run and grab it and make sure you get these precious moments of your son bouncing on a trampoline that can never be duplicated!

I have a feeling that many moms think the same way.  Is something cute and funny going on?   Must. Get. Camera.  Must. Record. For. Posterity.  Otherwise, our kids might think we didn’t love them or something if there is no photographic proof that fun was had!  A lot of fun! See?  Can’t you see how much fun you were having?

But how many moments have we missed actually sharing those times with them instead of having the camera in between our children and their experiences?  Exactly how many memory cards and folders must be filled to show our kids what a wonderful time they were having?

I am behind the camera so often, I often think my son will scratch his head years from now and wonder where I was his whole life.  Because I am never in any pictures with him, I am so busy taking them. 

So after a couple of minutes, I got onto the trampoline with him. 

Pictures, schmictures.

Cast your minds back to last Friday and recall with us, the spine-tingling tale of The Devil’s Pool.

Have you noticed you never see any black people doing this, even though it’s in Tanzania? I have a theory that most tourists are travelling not because they enjoy it, but because their own countries got sick of them and asked them to leave. Perhaps we should point them in the direction of this awesome gene-pool-refining tool.

In any case, after a highly spirited round of captioning in the comments section, the time has come to declare a winner.

gemdiva Says:
February 16th, 2008 at 10:00 am

3 with apologies to Edward Gorey

1. Daddy, the world’s biggest fool
Took little Andre to the Devil’s Pool
Andre slipped and took a dive
Now he’ll never see the age of five

2. Little Willy told his father
That the edge of the falls would be no bother
Daddy fell to his death down there
Now Willy’s Mummy’s only heir

3. Mr. Brown, a real raving git
Thought the edge was a good place to sit
To the rocks down below Little Timmy fell
Mr. Brown said “so sad, but the picture is swell”!

gemdiva Says:
February 16th, 2008 at 1:41 pm

Two last and final………….

4. Mycroft, a precocious lad
Went to the falls along with dad
He tripped and fell into the creek
Mum rents his room now by the week

5. The family outing went out of whack
When Dad went to the falls with Jack
His last words, it would appear
Were “I can see our house from here”.

Despite some brilliantly amusing competition, gemdiva’s Edward Goreyisms slaughtered the competition (in convoluted, morbidly Victorian ways, of course) and emerged as the winner. We crown gemdiva Queen of the Devil Pool and hereby award her something suitably zany and old-fashioned: The John Fluevog Madly pump!

For extra sizzle, imagine Alan Rickman buying them for you, dressed as an Edward Gorey character (as, indeed, he often is).

PS: Seen the Edward Gorey posthumous take on that classic Star Trek tale, The Trouble With Tribbles?

Last week’s poll asking about hand-written thank-you notes seemed to garner a response that was mostly in favor of children doing them.  However, forty-five percent of the respondents acknowledged that getting your six year old to sit and write them was a task that is far from easy.  That being said, some form of thanks is imperative, although I’m thinking that those types of thank-you notes will decrease in popularity.  I didn’t say I agreed with it, I just think that’s how it’s going to go.

So this week we are going to deal with the demand for concert tickets. Hannah Montana tickets, in particular.  If you have a young girl or tween in your life, chances are you know all about Ms. Montana, aka Miley Cyrus. 

more at twiigs.com…

Source

It’s mashup mania when the voices from that beloved television show SpongeBob SquarePants take on the task of dubbing classic films such as Casablanca, Singin’ in the Rain, and The Godfather. Actually, I think the last one is an improvement.

Stolen from Laughing Squid.

Let’s face it, listening to renditions of toddlers singing off-key and loud, uber-cheerful vocalists exhorting us to all hold hands can make you simply want to scream.  So in the interest of some self-preservation, I’m presenting music that won’t automatically force you to have them put their headphones on rather than endure the torture.  Here is my list of some of the best CD’s for kids.

 Jack Johnson and Friends Singalongs and Lullabies   Lovely and melodic, I don’t see too much resistance from mom and dad when the kids ask to play this. Aaaand, Jack Johnson is tres cute. 

 Raffi The The Singable Songs Collection Before I was a parent, I scoffed at the idea of Raffi. Then I became one and to know him is to love him. 

  They Might Be Giants Here Come the ABC’s and No!  Both of these albums allow parent and child to rock out!  No, it isn’t Metallica, but you can maintain most of your street cred.  

 Sesame Street Platinum: All Time Favorites  “C is for Cookie,” “Rubber Duckie,” and “I Love Trash” among others.  Don’t even try and pretend you don’t know all the words.

 Boris Karloff and Mario Rossi  Peter and the Wolf   There are many versions of Prokofiev’s classic, but this is the the definitive one. 

 Steve Rashid “i will hold your tiny hand” Songs with influences from the blues,  doo-wop, and jazz, these lullabies will be a hit with the whole family.

 Justin Roberts Meltdown  Intelligent lyrics set to great music, what more could you ask for?  Not many artists tackle having to wear glasses, but Justin does.  And we’re glad. 

 Daddy a Go Go Cool Songs For Cool Kids Another edgy, rock-inspired CD that has so much enthusiasm, it will make you think they recorded it out of their garage. 

 Gunnar Madsen Old Mr. Mackle Hackle It’s the lyrics that make this one stand out.  Smart and funny, at least one of these songs is sure to make even parents laugh out loud. 

 Putamayo’s World Playground World Music CD has great song selections from twelve different countries.  A nice introductory sampling for your child.

 Beethoven’s Wig Singalong Symphonies  This is a fabulous CD that sets some of the best known classical songs to some craaazy lyrics.  There are other volumes that came along after this one, but best to start off with the first. Older kids.

We can’t keep the whole blogosphere to ourselves, and we can’t put these topics any better than these guys did, so we are simply handing you a heaping helping of links from around the parentblogosphere and instructing you to enjoy them responsibly. Post in moderation. Wait one half-hour before swimming or operating heavy machinery.

Mini-Me fashion designers from Harper’s Bazaar (Sassybella) Mini Lagerfeld? The corruption of innocence was never so fabulous, darling.

Prepare for the Monday Melee! (Fracas) Your syllabic resonant consonants will never be the same.

Rosette Nebula (Maya’s Granny) My God! It’s full of stars!

Heart-Shaped Nebula (Smoke & Mirrors) What’s at the heart of the universe?

Notes to a Stressed Past Self (Work it, Mom!) Now who do we get to deliver it?

Tadpolecast (Petite Anglaise) The Tadpole sings in tongues.

Are You Kidding Me? (WhiteTrash Mom)  St. Mary’s Academy of Stupidity

Back in My Day, a Man Was a Man and a Stroller Was a Stroller (dadsmacker) and we had to tame them ourselves, uphill in the snow

Which Celebrities are Packing a Passenger? (Celebrity Baby Scoop) And Colin Farrell has alibis for all of them

Wheel Chairs for Iraqi Kids (lilSugar) Donations accepted

Lessons from a High School Dropout (Fluttering Butterflies) Some lessons you learn too late

Bra-vo! (Kvetch Blog) Somebody’s girl has a head start on the superfantastic life

This is How New Parents Spend Friday Night (dooce) The human brain goes missing when it comes in close proximity to a chubby baby

Getting the Munchkin up and ready for school in the morning is probably the most rushed part of my day.  And as much as I would like to simply show up at the classroom door (we have to sign them in and out) looking like I just rolled out of bed, I can’t seem to bring myself to do it.  I do have a certain amount of pride, you know.

One of the best products I have found to ensure that I look like death only slightly warmed over is the Convertible Color Compact from Stila.   This handy mirrored compact comes in four flattering shades, and it is a lipstick and blush in one.  I use Camellia, and I do want to warn you that the colors look harsher inside the compact than they do on your skin.

I can’t tell you how many times I have looked in the mirror, muffled my scream of horror, and applied this stuff judiciously.  Voila!  Presentable in less than two minutes! 

This needs a bit of introduction.

First of all, if you’d consider doing this with your children, I’d almost be tempted to let you, on the general principle that it would do the gene pool some good. But that would be mean, wouldn’t it?

The Devil’s Pool is a shallow, warm basin of fresh, clean, tropical water just right for paddling around with your kids, except for the tiny detail that it ends in a 103 meter waterfall.

That’s “cliff” to us landlubbers.

In any case, we present the following as a bad example, knowing full-well that our gentle readers are no pack of Darwin Awards waiting to happen, and would never dream of letting their toddlers toddle to the edge of a 103 meter cliff, however moist it may be.

From Fogonazos, passed along by MistressCowfish at CelebratingTheAbsurd