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Archive for January 15th, 2008

Rice, Rice Baby!

Tuesday, January 15th, 2008
By raincoaster

Rice, Rice Baby

Cigars are so Twentieth Century! The next time you welcome a blessed event/accident into this world, pass around something personalized, trendy, and highly nutritious.

Rice Babies:

Japanese Yosimiya is selling bags of rice printed with a newborn’s photo, name and date of birth. The bags are shaped to resemble a swaddled baby. But the key feature is that the bags contain the baby’s exact weight in rice.

This is the very definition of a cute idea, and could, in fact, be improved only by including matching donations to the food bank. Mind you, there’s alway some killjoy who’ll hand it back, asking for something more Atkins-friendly. Oh, well. It’s good to find out who the bad fairy is before the christening, I always say.

Interestingly, at a price of $32 US (3500 Yen) this puts rice babies at an average of $4.27 per pound, whereas white rice sells for $2.52 a pound, and live human babies apparently sell to the State of Texas for around $66 per pound, although the production time is longer, giving a rather pitiful net return on investment of only $0.07 per hour of production time.

Obviously, you’d be better off convincing all your trendy friends to become pregnant and give you rice babies instead of growing real ones of your own. Lower in fat, too.

A Modest Proposal

explaining the enduring popularity of slow, amiable pets

Tuesday, January 15th, 2008
By raincoaster


12 Rules of Raising Delinquent Kids

Tuesday, January 15th, 2008
By Glinda

This list seems to be making its way across the internets.  It is dubious that the Houston Police Department made this up, but it was an interesting read nonetheless.

And for those that get their panties in a wad about typos and questionable grammar, don’t shoot the messenger.

DOWN IN HOUSTON, TEXAS, the police department has issued a leaflet entitled “Twelve Rules for Raising Delinquent Children.” Here they are, as printed in the local Chamber of Commerce publication, “Business”;

1. Begin with infancy to give the child everything he wants. In this way he will grow up to believe the world owes him a living.

2. When he picks up bad words, laugh at him. This will make him think he’s cute. It will also encourage him to pick up “cuter phrases” that will blow off the top of your head later.

3. Never give him any spiritual training. Wait until he is 21, and then let him “decide for himself.”

4. Avoid the use of the word “wrong.” It may develop a guilt complex. This will condition him to believe later, when he is arrested for stealing a car, that society is against him and he is being persecuted.

5. Pick up everything he leaves lying around–books, shoes, clothes. Do everything for him so that he will be experienced in throwing all responsibility on others.

6. Let him read any printed matter he can get his hands on. Be careful that the silverware and drinking glasses are sterilized, but don’t worry about his mind feasting on garbage.

7. Quarrel frequently in the presence of your children. In this way they will not be too shocked when the home is broken up later.

8. Give the child all the spending money he wants. Never let him earn his. Why should he have things as tough as you did?

9. Satisfy his every craving for food, drink, and comfort. See that every sensual desire is gratified. Denial may lead to harmful frustration.

10. Take his part against neighbors, teachers, policemen. They are all prejudiced against your child.

11. When he gets into real trouble, apologize to yourself by saying, “I never could do anything with him!”

12. Prepare yourself for a life of grief. You’ll surely have it.

Anbody have one to add?

Friday Caption Contest Results: Totally Gangsta Edition

Tuesday, January 15th, 2008
By raincoaster

Recall, if you will, da Edwards homies from Friday. It’s now time for us to keep it real, yo, and announce the winner of the caption contest.

It's hard out here for a primp

Jennie Says:

Wangsters Riley, Emily, and Logan wuz perpertratin to punk homies cheeba, a’ite? But dey wuz no playas and OG was gonna cap em if dey crunked up, tru dat! Dey got influinced do a Swayze and word up, got game and bounced…



As promised, there was a bonus for gangsta speak which put this one in the clear lead over another tough field. Having combed the internets, or at least Zappos.com, for gangsta rapsta bling, we award the winner the following imaginary yet completely neccesary shades with this year’s “floating lenses”, for enduring the assault of the paparazzi: the Von Zipper “Dharma.”


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