Teeny Manolo

Jennifer, mija, what are these rumors I am hearing?  Yes, I know that you are actually two years older than me, but I am feeling maternal towards you, my dear, shhhh.  For it is being said that you are “horrified” at how much weight you have gained with your pregnancy, and that you will purposely stay out of the public eye until after your baby/babies are born. 

Que lastima, for a pregnant woman should rejoice in the changes her body experiences during such a joyous time.

And you may reply, “But Glinda, how is a former muy caliente woman to rejoice in her cankles and sudden inability to locate her jawline?”

Jenny who feels bigger than an entire block, while these changes may difficult for you to look at in the mirror, you must simply resign yourself to the fact that despite your fabulous wealth and talent, your body is going to do what it wants to do during your pregnancy.  And if that means puffs where there weren’t puffs before, then so be it.   You have never been a celebrity who worshipped with the cult of super-thin, so I’m having a hard time believing that you cannot embrace your enhanced curves. 

But being pregnant shouldn’t stop you from channeling your well-documented inner diva! Come on now, this fly girl can’t turn into a wallflower! Step out, look super fantastico, and show them how it’s done!

moar funny pictures

When my husband met me oh so many moons ago, I had long blonde hair, down to the mid-back.  You know, hair that you would have in your carefree early twenties.  He liked it so much, he decided to marry me.

Knowing that he liked my hair long, I kept it the same way for almost fifteen years- no bangs, all one length.  Even after the Munchkin was born, I cut some of it off, but it quickly grew back to my original length.

Then about eight months ago, I began hankering for a change.  For layers, for volume, for something other than what I had been staring in the mirror at for so long. I informed my husband of this, and he looked at me and said, “As long as you don’t get “mom hair.” 

Uh, excuse me?

But the sad part is, I knew what he meant by that phrase, even though he was joking.  Or so he said, even as he ducked behind a pillow to avoid the flying projectile headed his direction. The same way that everyone knows what “mom jeans” are.  And you just know on those makeover shows that the majority of the women are going to be frumpy moms made over into fabulous.

Why is that?

Sometimes it is all too easy to just sort of stay stuck in our little ruts we have created for ourselves.  Sometimes we are too busy caring for others instead of caring for ourselves.   Sometimes money is running short, and we’d rather spend it on our kids than ourselves.

These are all convenient excuses to not keep our looks updated.  I’m not talking spending oodles of money on clothes, but  something from a store that has nary a pair of sweatpants in sight.  We figure, hey, I’ve always looked good in this style, so I still will. 

Not always, my friends, not always. 

I say we try to change the perception of moms as being unhip and downright frowsy.  That “mom hair” not be hair that is necessarily cut just for ease of styling, but with individual style in mind.  That “mom jeans” be jeans that while still allowing their owner to bend down and pick up their fleeing toddler, fit nicely and flatter the figure. And preferably were purchased less than well, fifteen years ago.

There’s got to be some middle ground between the fine ladies pictured above and this:

Right?

Let’s make the change one set of low-rise jeans at a time!

You’ll recall wee Vlad here from our Caption Contest of last Friday. It’s now time to announce the winner of our deliberately un-seasonal captioning challenge.

Taunt Talli Says:
December 16th, 2007 at 1:45 pm

“Excuse me… which way to the nearest poetry reading?”

 Congratulations to Taunt Talli, who obviously has had her own experiences with my beloved subculture. Is that Rilke he’s carrying?

And now, the imaginary footwear for the imaginary investiture ceremony:

Goth enough?

more at twiigs.com…

Ah, the Eighties. A decade better contemplated in remembrance than lived through at the time, yet one which has a tenacious hold on our culture to this very day. Oh, sure, the shoulderpadded power suits of yesteryear may have gone the way of the poodle skirt and the bustle, but some things we have always with us.
It is with this spirit of remembrance in mind, and also to help bump that autoplaying Child’s Christmas Podcast in Wales off the front page, that we here at TeenyManolo present for your enjoyment that olde-tyme classic, Christmas in Hollis, by yo momma’s favorite rappers, Run DMC.

And lyrics over the jump because yes, you ARE going to want to sing along to this after the second eggnog.
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For some things, there are no words:

Where DOES she put the latte?

May we suggest she use this method of transportation instead? It’s designed for increased stability, ya know!

Ahhh, Christmas!  The trees, the decorations, the lights!  And oh, the ear-torturing music!  For some reason, everyone wants to record a Christmas tune.  Sometimes the results are delightful, and sometimes they make you wish you had never ever had the misfortune to hear them.  This list is the worst of the worst.

1. Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer- Dr. Elmo

Have you LISTENED to the lyrics?  I can take a joke as well as anyone, but have never thought this to be even remotely funny.

2. I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas

Cute and whimsical can only get so far with me.

3.  God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen- Manheim Steamroller

Resist the Muzak!

4.  White Christmas- Michael Bolton

Bing Crosby weeps in heaven every time this version is played.

5. Christmas Time- Backstreet Boys

Remind me again how these guys ever sold any albums? 

6. The Chipmunk Song- Alvin and the Chipmunks. 

There are times when we can make allowances for the hit songs of our childhood, but this song just isn’t one of them.

7. Jingle Bells- The Barking Dogs.

  It was cute the first oh, twenty times I heard it.  After that, every second is pure torture.

8. Dominick the Christmas Donkey - Lou Monte.

 I have no words for this song.  It is just THAT BAD.

9. Santa Baby- Madonna

Make it stop!  Make it stop, I beg you!

10.  I Wish Every Day Could Be Like Christmas - Bon Jovi

Not being raised anywhere near the East Coast, I have no blind spot for Jon Bon Jovi.  This song lasts about 2:34 minutes too long.

And no, that’s not a snarky comment about Tupac.

Truly it has been said that naught is eternal in this world but God in his majesty and the indestructable and legended fruitcake. Here we see what it takes to finally rid the world of the menace which is this high specific gravity havin’, belly leadening, energy deadening, tastebud annihilating concoction of fruit, flour, and, apparently, most of the bottom half of the periodic table.

The power of rap, boyz ‘n grrrlz, the power of rap.

From DeathOfAFruitcake.com, which also provides alternate, less-amusing methods of ridding yourself of the doughy menace such as: exorcism, committee, road rage, and pinata.

Radical rappin’ lyrics after the jump: (more…)

Captions in the comments, as usual.

I just felt like taking a break from all the Christmas stuff around, although it’s quite possible they just cropped out Santa in this one. The Addams Family holiday card, perhaps? We’re all about the Goth lately at TeenyManolo!

Source is sadly lost to the mists of time. Drop me an email if this was you!