Listmania! Worst. Christmas. Songs. Ever. | Teeny Manolo

Listmania! Worst. Christmas. Songs. Ever.

By Glinda



Ahhh, Christmas!  The trees, the decorations, the lights!  And oh, the ear-torturing music!  For some reason, everyone wants to record a Christmas tune.  Sometimes the results are delightful, and sometimes they make you wish you had never ever had the misfortune to hear them.  This list is the worst of the worst.

1. Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer, Dr. Elmo

Have you LISTENED to the lyrics?  I can take a joke as well as anyone, but have never thought this to be even remotely funny.

2. I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas, Gayla Peevey

Cute and whimsical can only get so far with me.

3.  Anything by Manheim Steamroller

Resist the Muzak!

4.  White Christmas, Michael Bolton

Bing Crosby weeps in heaven every time this version is played.

5. Christmas Time, Backstreet Boys

Remind me again how these guys ever sold any albums? 

6. The Christmas Song, Alvin and the Chipmunks 

There are times when we can make allowances for the hit songs of our childhood, but this song just isn’t one of them.

7. Jingle Bells, The Barking Dogs

  It was cute the first oh, twenty times I heard it.  After that, every second is pure torture.

8. Dominick the Christmas Donkey, Lou Monte

 I have no words for this song.  It is just THAT BAD.

9. Santa Baby, Madonna

Make it stop!  Make it stop, I beg you!

10. I Wish Every Day Could Be Like Christmas, Bon Jovi

Not being raised anywhere near the East Coast, I have no blind spot for Jon Bon Jovi and his nasally voice.  This song lasts about 2:34 minutes too long.

36 Responses to “Listmania! Worst. Christmas. Songs. Ever.”

  1. Margaret Says:

    the hippo song makes my ears bleed.

  2. raincoaster Says:

    I am a notorious collector of novelty Christmas music. I even have the Ren and Stimpy Christmas album, which I heart so much that I have dragged it out to the boondocks, where I am house-sitting, so it keeps me company. “It’s a Wizzleteats Kind Holiday” is just so homey and old-fashioned. I have more than ten books of Christmas Ghost stories. I am the world’s biggest collector of demented Christmas YouTubes.

    Obviously, my tolerance for freaky Christmas stuff is very, very high.

    But I agree with you about most of these. Some of the songs are not bad (Eartha Kitt’s “Santa Baby” is fantastic!) but these versions could turn an evangelical Christian to an atheist in the blink David Bowie’s eye.

    Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer is a big, big hit among pre-treatment alcoholics and virtually no-one else. But I’m rather fond of Manheim Steamroller, if only as background music at parties. That and the Boney M Christmas albums are my party backgrounds of choice.

    Weird winners include: Christmas in Hollis by Run DMC and The Little Drummer Boy by RuPaul(!YES!).

  3. Phyllis Says:

    I am SO with you on “Santa Baby”.

  4. patois Says:

    Michael Bolton? Oh, yeah, Bing is weeping. And so would I if I ever had to hear it sung by that charlatan.

  5. Krista Says:

    I usually have one or two items in a list like this that I disagree with. But not today. I could add to the list, but I can not argue about it. I do have to point out, however, that my children do not like their paternal grandmother and sing Grandma got run over by a Reindeer with entirely too much relish.

  6. Nicole Says:

    Like raincoaster, I am a collector of novelty and odd Christmas music. Some of my personal favorites include The Pretty Little Dolly by Mona Abboud and It’s So Chic to be Pregnant at Christmas by Nancy White.

    But I feel one song that needs to be added to the list of worst ever is: There’s something stuck up in the Chimney. That song is wrong on so many levels (and once you hear it it’s stuck in your head for days. Just writing the title put the song back in my head. Anyone have some mental floss?

  7. Amy Says:

    One that’s missing, and I don’t know the name of it, but that awful one about the little kid who goes to a shoe store on Christmas Eve and doesn’t have enough money to buy Christmas shoes for his mother, who’s sick and “going to meet Jesus tonight.” How the hell is that supposed to generate holiday spirit?

  8. Yes, Virginia Says:

    Here in DC we have a song that plays on the local radio stations called “Christmas Eve in Washington”. I’ll link the lyrics, but you really need to hear the whole thing to understand how bad it is:

  9. SpaceCat85 Says:

    I’d add “Wonderful Christmas Time” by Paul McCartney to that list.

    I wasn’t around when it first came out, so for the longest time I thought it was E.L.O. doing some sort of half-baked contractual obligation single…sorry Mr. Lynne 🙁

    Either way, it’s an irritating song, and Linda just couldn’t play a synthesizer for the life of her.

  10. gemdiva Says:

    I’m with reaincoaster on “Santa Baby” brava Eartha Kitt!! However, as an Italian girl who grew up in Brooklyn, I must defend Lou Monte. “Dominick the Donkey” was my Dad’s favorite Christmas song and it will always remind me of him. Therefore, with all due respect…. HeeHaw, HeeHaw and Buono Natale!! Hey, if you can’t be silly at Christmastime when can you be?

  11. rainkatt13 Says:

    I have to say that I loved “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer,” especially when it first came out, but that’s because I had no love at all for my grandmother. It was a wish-fulfilling song… Now, I’d probably be horrified by it, but I’ve not listened to it in years.

  12. Jo Says:

    Imagine my shock when I saw the album cover for “Switched On Santa” heading this post.

    My mom still–STILL–has that album.

    And probably still listens to it, too.

    I second “Wonderful Christmas Time” and would like to add any version of “Little Drummer Boy”, especially those done by alt-rock Christian bands.

  13. meimei Says:

    I am listening to “Dominick the Donkey” as I am typing this, because this is probably one of the few songs on this list I have yet to hear. The only thing worse than a bad Christmas song, in my opinion, is an overplayed Christmas song!

    Right now I have a lot of hate for “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas” – but only because the Christmas-music station that we put on at work seems to play five different versions of it at every hour. It also doesn’t help that I live in the tropics, which means that nobody I know has any holly that will be on their owwwwwnnnn fronnnnt doooooooorrrr.

    Another Christmas peeve: vocal remakes of “Carol of the Bells.” Destiny’s Child, I am glaring at your direction.

    And I think it goes without saying that, no matter what you think of Andy Samberg or Justin Timberlake, “D*** in a Box” is never going to be an appropriate Christmas song, ever.

  14. raincoaster Says:

    Okay, it’s time I just up and said it: “All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth” is grating in the extreme, especially in those cutsie versions where you can just tell the kid had a smarmy grin on his face the whole time and way too much blush for his closeups. I hate that song. Check it out for yourself:

    Also: Rocking Around the Christmas Tree. Blargh!

  15. Virginia Says:

    Here in DC we have “Christmas Eve in Washington” playing on the radio. You get a sense of how bad it is from reading the lyrics. But you must hear it to truly get how awful it is.

  16. raincoaster Says:

    @ Virginia. Wowzer. I actually LIKE the Seattle carol; to the tune of Carol of the Bells, but all to do with lattes and Nordstrom’s. And kayaks. What’s Christmas without some kayak action, eh?

  17. Glinda Says:

    There were actually quite a few songs to choose from for this list, and it took me a while to decide which ones weren’t going to make the cut.

    Some excellent nominations in the comments, to be sure. I would like to say thank you, but I’m not sure that’s the right phrase for pointing me in the direction of even more horrible music!

    gemdiva- I am half Italian myself, but I could not bring myself to like the song. But, I in no way mean to dishonor your memories of your father. I hope you enjoyed hearing it again.

  18. raincoaster Says:

    OH. MAH. GAWD>

    Ashlee Simpson is even worse than Madonna:

    Poor, poor Eartha. PS: here’s a nifty video on doing some really dramatic red and green eye makeup, with a not-bad soundtrack that includes Eartha. I include it because of her, in spite of the fact it contains Rocking Around the Christmas Tree.

  19. texasexile Says:

    Beyond horrible. Eartha should fly to London and kick Madonna’s butt.

  20. Nancy (nanflan) Says:

    How could you leave out “The 12 Days of Christmas” by the Muppets? May I never hear Miss Piggy screeching “5 golden rings” again! But no, a local radio station has to play it at least once a day during the holiday season.

  21. LegallyMe Says:

    Ha! I totally agree with Amy who said the Christmas shoes song should be on this list. While the kid is shopping for red shoes for his mom who is dying in the hospital, I’m thinking: “this is the worst song….. EVER! It’s AT BEST depressing and at worst, non sensical. That kid should have spent time with his mom, not buying her material possessions. That’s all.

  22. Victor Says:

    Yes, Virginia. Yes. “Christmas Eve in Washington” makes me break out in hives and gives the dog the dry heaves, except for when their wet heaves, but my gf loves it.

    OTOH, I like the Jingle Cats and “Blue Christmas” as sung by Porky Pig.

  23. Victor Says:

    Darn, the link for “Blue Christmas” didn’t take:

  24. theDiva Says:

    Add ‘Feliz Navidad’ to the list. Egad, I hate that song, especially the Feliciano recording. Tinny sound, the slide he does in MEEERRR-ee KRISSMUSS. UGH.

  25. BigRed Says:

    Amy–that would be the execrable “Christmas Shoes”, which my 14-year-old (bless her sweet heart) thinks is good. I guess it’s nice that there is one noncynical bone in her body, but agh, whenever it’s on I am not allowed to turn it off.

    In Baltimore, we have “Crabs for Christmas”, not THOSE kind of crabs, but the delicious blue crab. But, the song was written to amuse 12-year-old boys who’ve just had the STD talk in middle school.

  26. Rxl Says:

    I like my Xmas songs to be bitter or sacrilegious. Hence:
    Jack Frost and the Hooded Crow
    Christmas Wrapping
    I Believe in Father Christmas
    Walking ’round in Woman’s Underwear
    Bob and Doug 12 Days of Christmas

    There’s a radio station here that plays nothing but Xmas music from the day after Thanksgiving on. I’m glad I no longer work with the lady who played it at work.

  27. Collin Says:

    I don’t understand how the HORRIBLE anonymous version of “O Holy Night” didn’t make the list! Every time I listen, my ears bleed just a little, and my heart goes out to that poor man’s vocal chords… If you don’t know what I am talking about, hit the link: Interview with Creator of AWFUL O Holy Night

  28. JC Says:

    SpaceCat85, I totally second your nomination of “Wonderful Christmas Time.” That song makes the baby Jesus cry. And it is so dated – those synthesizers, ugh!

    My Italian heritage forces me to object to “Dominic the Donkey” being included…there are not enough silly Christmas carols in this world. Hee haw!

  29. Tizzy Says:

    If you had grown up with an Uncle Dominick you would think that song was hilarious.

    And while I acknowledge that the Hippo song is obnoxious I have a good family story: A few year ago everytime we asked my mom what she wanted for Christmas she started to sing that song (funny once not so much after a few weeks). So on Christmas day her sister gave her giant stuffed hippo. So be careful what you wish for.

    Also, I loathe and despide almost any version of Merry Little Christmas not sung by Judy Garland. Some things (like White Christmas) just shouldn’t be covered.

  30. JayKay Says:

    I will never forget how hard I laughed (and still do, every time I think of it) when I first saw the episode of SNL’s Weekend Update where Norm MacDonald announced that Kenny G had a new Christmas album out. His thoughts on it: “Happy birthday, Jesus. Hope you like crap”. AAAHAHAHAHAH!

    My sister and I sing “I want a hippopotamus for Christmas” to each other to pass the time and stay amused during midnight mass. It’s horrible, but we laugh every year.

  31. Kimberly Says:

    When I was 9, I bought my dad a disco Christmas album. And because my dad loves me, he actually played the album all day long.

    My stepmother has never forgiven me for this.

  32. raincoaster Says:

    I think I have that album. JING! JING GLE BELLS! JING! JING GLE BELLS!

    Gah! I musta been drunk when I bought it.

    Victor: I, too, adore Porky Pig’s Blue Christmas, and have become the bane of all local DJs around Christmas time. Apparently, when they’re taking requests for charity, listenership drops off during my beloved carol. Who cares? I heart the pig.

  33. Chicklet Says:

    Thirding the nomination of “Wonderful Christmastime.” I braved the Mall of America a couple of weeks ago and heard that awful thing six times in two hours.

    Actually, I’ve been so inundated with Christmas music in malls (starting before Halloween!) and in commercials that I haven’t brought out any of the Christmas CDs I own; the onslaught of holiday sales (and advertising) have done nothing but turn me off the holiday itself. I mean, I will be very happy to get together with my whole famn damily on Christmas Eve, but the icing on the cake will be an end to “holiday music” in the stores.

    Thank goodness Target never plays any kind of music in their stores, at any time of year.

  34. nymphomercial Says:

    ‘The Christmas Shoes’ is the worst…song…ever. You MUST hear this parody called ‘The Christmas Thong’:

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