Death by Rap Battle: Death of a Fruitcake | Teeny Manolo

Death by Rap Battle: Death of a Fruitcake

By raincoaster

And no, that’s not a snarky comment about Tupac.

Truly it has been said that naught is eternal in this world but God in his majesty and the indestructable and legended fruitcake. Here we see what it takes to finally rid the world of the menace which is this high specific gravity havin’, belly leadening, energy deadening, tastebud annihilating concoction of fruit, flour, and, apparently, most of the bottom half of the periodic table.

The power of rap, boyz ‘n grrrlz, the power of rap

From, which also provides alternate, less-amusing methods of ridding yourself of the doughy menace such as: exorcism, committee, road rage, and pinata.

Tiki Pinata, suitable for death of a fruitcake

Radical rappin’ lyrics after the jump:
Listen up fruitcake, I got a question.
How many times have you changed possession?
A million sixty-three, I ain’t counting mine?
The only way I’ll cut you is with this dope rhyme.
The only way I’ll eat you is behind the mic.
I think you’re the inspiration for a hunger strike.

Cuz when it comes to the lyrics I got the crazy ill power
to obliterate ya, scratch that, DEVOUR!
Nobody want to eat you cuz you’re just too stale,
now do me a favour and get lost in the mail.

(sound of crickets chirping)

Well they call you a dessert, yes they use that term loosely.
A punch couldn’t dent ya, not even from Bruce Lee.
Talk to a spongecake for some inspiration
on how to be consumed without heavy mastication,
cuz you taste like dirt and you’re hard as slate.
You ain’t dessert, fruitcake, you’re a paperweight.

(sound of crickets chirping)

A knife and a fork? I’ll take a hammer and a chisel
to your taste like a brick,
for shizzle.

Cuz you’re old, you’re crusty,
you ain’t exactly tender.
The only option for a fruitcake
is return it to the sender!

6 Responses to “Death by Rap Battle: Death of a Fruitcake”

  1. Krista Says:

    There is a small minority of us that like fruitcake. I look forward to it every Christmas.

  2. raincoaster Says:

    I like fruitcake too, as long as it’s marzipan-free, but I like silly YouTubes and hate campaigns against pastries even better!

  3. JaneC Says:

    I like well-made fruitcake, but there is a lot of bad fruitcake out there. Good fruitcake involves lots of alcohol.

  4. Sarah Says:

    Hah! Yes, this was done about a year ago by an ad company in DC and sent out to all of their clients as a sort of “holiday card.” So, these people don’t *really* have anything against fruitcake!

    I happen to know, since that’s my dear boyfriend starring in the video. As a regular reader of this blog, I couldn’t be prouder! *grin*

  5. raincoaster Says:

    Sarah: sure, sure, but how do we KNOW you’re not just some fruitcake-industry astroturfer, running around the internets sticking up for the densest material this side of depleted uranium? Eh?

    The boy has a future in pastry rap battles. Let’s get him onto pies with soggy crusts next!

    @JaneC: I always find that the more alcohol, the better the cake tastes. The more alcohol in me, that is.

  6. BigRed Says:


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