Nice Try, Kid
By Glinda
Dear Mom,
I had a really fun Halloween. I was just wondering, do you think it is possible that this year I could actually eat some of the candy I got? It was a lot of hard work, going trick-or-treating and attending carnivals. I just think that I deserve some of the chocolate, that’s all I’m trying to say.
Respectfully,
Your Loving Son
Dear Son,
Who do you think spent hours making your Halloween costume, young man? Oh wait… Let’s try that again. Who do you think spent hours on the internet looking for the best place to buy your costume? Price comparison shopping ain’t for the weak of heart, my dearest.
It isn’t as easy as it looks, walking around the neighborhood with you while I’m talking and laughing with my friends. Schlepping around to parties and such, it can be quite exhausting, really. When you have kids of your own one day, you’ll understand.
And there is no child on earth that could eat all of the 2.3 metric tons of candy we have accumulated over the last week. Besides, everyone knows that Tootsie Rolls are just as good as Hershey Bars. Go ahead, just ask anybody, as long as it’s me or your dad.
You see, Mommy has what she will call “special days” when chocolate will make her happy. Everyone knows that a happy Mommy makes a happy family. I’m not taking all of your candy, I’m simply asking for all the Snickers bars.
But, I’m feeling a little guilty. So here, go ahead and have all the Smarties your little heart desires. I hate those.
Smooches,
Mom
November 1st, 2007 at 6:16 am
Yesterday I polled my co-workers, and the younger parents are still under the delusion that’s doling out candy from now till the end of the school is a wise choice. Whereas the older and jaded parents (like me) all agreed that it’s just better to let the little porch monkeys gorge themselves on it to get it out of the house as quickly as possible.
It also never hurts to immediately purge the bad candy that no one eats anyway (jawbreakers, Mary Janes, the cherry Jolly Ranchers that taste like cough medicine, the cheap restaurant peppermints and any lollipop that’s not a Tootsie Roll)
November 1st, 2007 at 7:58 am
You can send the Smarties my way. My kid got all dressed up and just walked around with her friends. She didn’t get a single piece of candy! Oh well, at least she had fun and I can still get into my jeans.
November 1st, 2007 at 8:22 am
I love Smarties! But Tootsie Rolls, yuck.
That is a lot of candy!
November 1st, 2007 at 12:24 pm
Dear Glinda,
I love you like a sister, but I’m glad you weren’t my mother. My mother made my Halloween costumes from scratch and to my often bizarre and disconcerting requests. She did the same for my two older brothers. Then she didn’t even steal our candy.
Of course, if she was offered a Snickers, she never said no. And, little suckup that I was, she was usually offered something good before the candy completely ran out.
November 1st, 2007 at 1:34 pm
My dad used to take us out on Halloween until we were exhausted. One year, my brother and I both filled our bags, so he fashioned a quasi-bag from his Member’s Only jacket. My dad is cool. My mom never denied us the pleasures of candy- her father is a dentist and made my mom and her siblings trick or treat for Unicef. She never got over that.
I don’t like Smarties either.
November 1st, 2007 at 3:31 pm
HAHAHA! Ok, that sounds like me. I need snickers bars when I have the ole PMS. Her bag of candy is calling to me as I type this. I must fight…I must FIGHT IT!
November 1st, 2007 at 6:32 pm
I didn’t know you guys had Smarties down in the US. But your Halloween customs are very different from ours.
For our Olde Ontario Halloweene, the kids would trick or treat and so would the parents. People stocked up on those little airplane bottles of booze and cheap beer, and one parent would take a whack of kids up and down the block. Then, because s/he had gotten a snootful of alcohol, another parent would take over for the next block, and so on, like a relay.
Also: all our costumes had to be big enough to go over the snowsuit. Also also: they didn’t have mini chocolate bars when I was little. The big score would be Kraft toffees and caramels, thick enough to pull out your fillings. To this day my standard for a good coffee is one that reminds me of those coffee toffees.
November 1st, 2007 at 7:26 pm
Raincoaster: Our Smarties are quite different than yours…and quite nasty if I do say so myself!
I was the lame kid who rationed her own Halloween candy. I’d usually eat the last piece sometime in March, long after the chocolate had gone all ashy. Being that I only allowed myself a few pieces at a time, I never could tell if my mom stole my stash.
November 1st, 2007 at 7:55 pm
Yeah, your Smarties are like M&M’s; ours are gross, chalky, sour little pill-sized things that only people who hate candy hand out.
November 2nd, 2007 at 1:35 am
Phyllis- Oh yes, the candy goes out. There is no way we can eat all of it. I had heard of the suggestion to give it to a shelter or similar place so that they could pass out candy to the kids on special occasions. I’m thinking about doing that.
Liz- I’m not sure they’d make it! You’d get Smarties dust!
Suzanne- Tootsie Rolls are not my favorite, either.
Twistie- I am so NOT crafty. It is something that haunts me.
cheeky- Smarties suck!
Beenzzz- Resist the call!
Rain- I love those chewy caramels! But not the coffee kind.
Never teh Bride- I did something similar, after my mom had whittled it down to a managable size. She didn’t eat it, she just threw it away, I think.
cheeky- I can tell, you really hate Smarties!
November 2nd, 2007 at 9:59 am
[...] And there is no child on earth that could eat all of the 2.3 metric tons of candy we have accumulate… [...]
November 2nd, 2007 at 12:07 pm
Um, porch monkeys? In the words of Inigo Montoya…I do not think that word means what you think it means…
November 2nd, 2007 at 12:14 pm
You know I had to steal all my son’s snicker bars! Chocolate, one of my major cravings. Was it wrong that I stole them, when he had a garage full of everything else? He doesn’t seem to notice.
November 2nd, 2007 at 3:56 pm
That is *so* mean! Do you claim the ears from his chocolate rabbit, as well? ;~)
November 2nd, 2007 at 8:03 pm
“Um, porch monkeys? In the words of Inigo Montoya…I do not think that word means what you think it means…”
Agreed. A not very nice thing to call someone.
November 2nd, 2007 at 8:19 pm
jenn and cheeky- I am going to go out on a limb and say that Phyllis is probably not aware of the “urban” definition of that term. Based on the context of her comment, she is referring to children.
Ana- You are not wrong at all!
Victor- Why yes I do! That’s the best part!
November 3rd, 2007 at 8:35 am
Really? It means little kids as I learned it (the same meaning as “rug rats”). I very much apologize – it was pure ignorance on my part.
Glinda, please go right ahead and delete my comment. This is a fun blog and should stay that way and I’ll take full responsbility for a mistake.
Thanks for the correction up guys!