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November, 2007 | Teeny Manolo
Archive - November, 2007

Friday Caption Contest: Canuck Cowboy Edition

Tyrel Benjamin

Passed along by Spirit Fingers at AYYYY.

Young cowboy Tyrel Benjamin holds on to someone as he rides a sheep during the Mutton Bustin event at the annual three-day Chiniki First Nations Canada Day Rodeo in Morley, Alberta, July 2, 2006. [Reuters]

Yeehaw, we-all around these parts ain’t never seen a case of bad career choice to beat this ‘un. Looks ter me lahk li’l Tyrel Benjamin hee-yar is ridin’ fer a fall! He shud jess finish school and become all accountant-like or sumpin. Nahss hayt, tho.

Or blogger. There’s big bucks in blogging.

Captions in the comments, jest lahk yew-zhew-wul.

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Stripped

Like Buttah

Christina Aguilera is stripped, all right.

I know that in this age of digital retouching and trying to make things look perfect even when they are far from it, I am foolish to even ask. But I am going to anyway. Where are the stretch marks?

Looking at that creamsicle-colored expanse of flesh, I can’t help but gaze in amazement at how perfect it is. Well, as perfect as distinctly orange-looking skin can be.

I don’t care if the ex-Dirrty girl has enough money to pay 10 magic elves to constantly slather her abdomen with Creme De La Mer, in that stage of pregnancy, stretchage has occurred.

Why are the marks on your skin, made when your body was accomodating the growth of a tiny little person inside of you, seen as so ugly by so many women? Christina and the editors of Marie Claire among them, apparently. I’ve heard perfectly beautiful women bemoan the existence of their stretch marks as if they were some sort of horrible brand, dooming them to a life of unattractiveness.

Honestly, I feel like shaking them. And not gently.

Get over it. When you signed up for the mom gig, your knew your body was going to change. And if you can’t deal with the changes, some permanent, some not, then maybe a reexamination of priorities is necessary.

I say stretch marks should be worn with pride. No one has a body that is flawless, and why do we keep trying to pretend they do?

Elmo the Evil

Elmo and Darth Vader; together again for the first time

Let’s just say it: we’ve had enough of this giggling, twitching, inarticulate, naked, hairy figure.

If he sat down next to us on the bus, we’d move. You know it, I know it, The Children’s Television Sweatshop knows it, Grover knows it, CAA knows it, Elmo knows it.

That’s why he has the bodyguards.

At last, as sales of the latest “Fondle Me Elmo” doll fail to meet pre-Christmas sales expectations, the screechy acrylic star appears vulnerable. At last, people have begun to speak out.

His recent loss of the contract with Paramount, along with increasingly difficult to hush up episodes of bizarre public behavior have led to rumours of drug use, and now, for the first time, costars and those upon whose backs he climbed to reach the dizzying heights of stardom dare to step into the light and make their case, once and for all, against the megalomaniacal fiend known as Elmo.

From Eric Heyl, bravely reporting in the Pittsburgh Tribune:

Weary of his increasingly erratic behavior, Sesame Street producers will not extend the contract of the program’s most popular muppet.

Gary Knell, CEO of Sesame Workshop, the parent company of the popular PBS program, told The Wall Street Journal yesterday that he is severing ties with Elmo.

“As much as we like him personally, we thought it was wrong to renew his deal,” Knell said. “His recent conduct has not been acceptable to Sesame Street.”

Knell would not elaborate. But those close to the show indicated PBS had grown increasingly irritated over Elmo’s public embrace of Scientology.

Thus was the first shot fired across the bow of the Good Ship Elmotastic. It was not the last. As your intrepid reporter … uh … reported late last year, Elmo’s increasingly troubled behavior was not without cause … cause which was discovered by hardworking agents of the law in Barstow, California.

Elmo, drug mule

OCTOBER 26–A Colorado drug operation hid large quantities of methamphetamine inside Elmo dolls, according to federal investigators who yesterday announced the indictment of 21 alleged members of the ring, which transported the drug from California
When investigators opened up the plush doll’s skull, they discovered the drug stash inside wrapped in plastic (as seen in this evidence pic). While Elmo has never previously been linked to narcotics distribution or use, the Sesame Street character appears to have no teeth, which frequently is seen in heavy meth users.

It explains so much. So very much.

While the American press understandably hesitated to publish attacks on such a prominent, seemingly invulnerable figure, the Canuckistan establishment felt no such qualms, feeling perhaps that, at last, they had found a subject so universally loathesome that it could unite all Canadians once and for all; yes, in Elmo the Quebec Separatists and the Torontocentrics were as of one mind. We were united. In Elmo-loathing, Canada has at last found a force which can bring an end to the constitutional crisis which has plagued it since the Treaty of Utrecht. Yes, we can all stand shoulder to shoulder and admit, “We hate Elmo.”

The proof? Right here in the chapter entitled A Two, Ah-Ah, Two-Faced Snake, from Scott Feschuk’s book Searching for Michael Jackson’s Nose:

BIG BIRD: All right. Well, that was when it all started to change, really. Elmo had always been a sweet little guy, even when he was starting to make it big. But then one year Bob McGrath took him to the Grammys, and Elmo was never the same.

PRODUCER: Got a bit of a big head, did he?

BIG BIRD: Well, not exactly. I think what happened is that at one of those after-parties, Bob introduced Elmo to P.Diddy, and they just hit it off. Dancing, laughing, partying. One minute Elmo’s learning his alphabet and practicing his phonics, the next he’s chugging Cristal and calling Maria “bee-yatch.”

PRODUCER: Cut. That’s great, Bird, great. But we’re working more from the Elmo-is-adored-by-children-around-the-world angle.

BIG BIRD: Oh sure, he’s all tee-hee for the cameras. But yell “Cut!” these days and the kid’s got a voice like Harvey Fierstein and a temper like Sean Penn.

But you know, I think it was the “Tickle Me Harder” sex tape that really did him in. NOT safe for work, particularly if you work in the entertainment industry.

The tape, made prior to Tickle Me Elmo’s success and fame on Sesame Street, was recently discovered by TMZ.COM working in conjunction with investigative reporters from PoopyCaca.com. “Tickle Me Harder” shows Elmo, who is credited under with the name “El Macho,” in compromising positions with two other actors, “Jack Mo’” and “Steve.”

Publicly, Elmo made a brief statement to reporters saying only, “Elmo no like.”

Click on at own risk… (more…)

Fur “Babies”

Last week, I visited a very posh shopping center near me, and even though I knew they existed, I saw one of these for the first time in person:

Oh. God.

This is a stroller. For dogs. And an expensive one at that.

Earth to the people that buy these things, your dogs are not little babies!

I don’t know if it gives you some sort of secret thrill to have people peek into that stroller expecting to see a baby, but get an eyeful of a panting Countess Fluffyface instead. I swear, the people pushing the “stroller” were beaming as proudly as any parents of a newborn.

I like dogs. How could I not like dogs? What with their furriness and cuteness and loyalty. In fact, we plan on getting a dog in the near future.  But the day you see me pushing my dog around in one of these, know that it is a silent plea for help.

Somehow, seeing dogs in a stroller anthropomorphizes them into something that sort of creeps me out a bit. I mean, what’s next? Doggy slings? Little doggy mobiles? “Doggy Einstein” DVD’s?

Will your dog ever shout, “I hate you!” and slam their bedroom door?
Will it ever have it’s heart broken by a thoughtless object of affection?
Will your dog cause you to lie awake at night, wondering if it will be home in time for cufew?
Will it ever draw you a picture with you and them inside a big heart?

Of course, the answer to all those questions is a resounding “No.” Therefore, love your dogs. But, don’t pretend that they share the status of a human child.

So, get a grip on yourself and get thee a leash!

But what does their milkman look like?

Larry King and the Kingsters

 

Charles and Diana and William and Harry

Fashion by Webster’s

Old School

I’m not a big fan of logos or writing on my clothing. I think I am paying enough already without giving them some free advertising on my body. And really, since I try to avoid the paparazzi these days, nobody sees it anyway. 

But finally, some writing on clothing that I can get behind.

From the Los Angeles Times comes the story of a man with a vision. A man who thought, why not expose children to words and their definitions while they are at PE? Which is perfect, because as we all know, there’s nowhere to hide during PE.

At a middle school in which most children are disadvantaged when it comes to exposure to vocabulary words often found in standardized testing, 26 year old UCLA undergrad Michael Bailey thought he could help. Using the principal of “cognitive metaphor theory” which is just a way of saying that our minds try to place unfamiliar things with things that are familiar, he decided PE shirts would be the way to go.

So far, it seems to be working at improving the student’s language skills, and every little bit helps.

Now just think how smart we would all be if everyone walked around with words and their definitions on our backs!

I’ve got dibs on “superfantastic.”

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Oh Cindy…

It’s all about Cindy

This picture just gives me a million more reasons to hate you.

-You are devastatingly beautiful even with your hair wet
-And no makeup
-Your toned muscles would enable you to handily kick the ass of one Paris Hilton
-You are 40-ish years old and yet you look better in a bikini than many 20-ish year olds. Yes, Lindsay, I’m talking to you!
-You live a lifestyle in which you are frolicking on a warm beach in November with your happy, beautiful family

Uh, call me sometime, ok? People tell me I’m really fun to hang out with. And a good listener. Really, I’m totally best friend material. Just forget that hating you part…

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Sesame Street … CENSORED!

It’s true. The new DVD release of that golden classic of the airwaves (cablewaves, whatever, I’m old, yo) has been held up, smacked on the bottom, and slapped with an R rating, just like the Mickey Rourke in lust (and in Kim Basinger) BDSM flick 9 1/2 weeks.

Well, it’s easy to see why.

Gaze, if you will, upon the singled-out-as-kid-corrupting footage of Alistair Cookie‘s Monsterpiece Theatre production of The 39 Stairs.” Note, if you will, that Alastair holds between his toothless gums a …

pipe.

Pipe, Magritte

In the original, shocking footage, Alistair Cookie not only holds the pipe in his mouth, but chews and swallows it in an orgiastic, addiction-fueled frenzy of obscene enthusiasm. Clearly, children who witness this will be scarred for life, unable to discern the difference between food and drug paraphernalia.

licorice pipes

According to Parente, “That modeled the wrong behavior” — smoking, eating pipes — “so we reshot those scenes without the pipe, and then we dropped the parody altogether.”

Actually, I saw that in the original form and look how I turned out!

Oh, wait…

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