Lock Up Your Cervixes! It’s National Curry Week! | Teeny Manolo

Lock Up Your Cervixes! It’s National Curry Week!

By raincoaster

Pregnant woman cookingNow, I’m not sayin’ it’s true, what they say about curry. I’m just sayin’… if you’re pregnant but not yet all packed for the hospital, it wouldn’t hurt to go for the moussaka instead, you know what I’m sayin’?

But they do say that about curry, among other things:

Many people swear by sex, but it has to be with a man, because it is only they who can produce the active hormone. It won’t exactly come as news to anyone that they often have to be badgered into this with promises of other things, such as ice cream or money. C’s friend said in his NCT class, “This prostaglandin – can it be administered orally?”

Curry, by the way, only works as an alternative to sex. If you have a curry and then sex, neither of them work. [editor’s note: yeah, tell me about it! Oh, they mean for inducing labour! Ooops, my bad.] Likewise, curry and pineapple, since cooking the pineapple destroys the enzyme. If you had the pineapple as a raw garnish, that would work, but since you need to eat quite a lot of pineapple, it would have to be a huge curry. Pineapple and sex work fine together, and by happy coincidence, there is a pineapple tip in the food section of Cosmo Best Sex Tips of All Time, though a) I’ll tell you one thing that this book doesn’t say in any of its tips, and that’s “First, get pregnant and wait nine months. This will make you all the more attractive,” and b) this particular pineapple does, I’m afraid, have to be tinned. I’m afraid I can’t give you any more details, because I am shy.

I am not so sure she’s all that terribly shy, come to think of it. After all, she reads Cosmo, and you know what they say about Cosmo girls!

Easy curry

Now, I’m just sayin’ … it’s a strange coincidence, perhaps nothing more than a strange coincidence, but that article came out on a Friday morning, and by the following Monday no fewer than like, half the celebrities in the world gave birth. And the other half got pregnant. Except George, although I’m sure he was involved at some point of the equation, although he’s not saying anything without his lawyer present. And Angie was talking about picking another sprog out of some exotic catalogue, but then she’s always doing that, curry or no curry.

And I’m just sayin’ that this woman here happened to be serving curry at the dinner party when she went into labour a couple of weeks early and gave birth between courses. It appears you have merely to associate with curry for it to have its full effect. Fortunately, it must have been an extremely powerful curry, because labour lasted exactly eight minutes in total.

…as she prepared to present the main course – a home-made lamb curry – she felt her first contraction.

And just eight minutes later, after three pushes, little Trinity was born weighing 6lb 1oz.

But Mrs Kendrick hadn’t forgotten her duties as a hostess. As she was taken to hospital as a precaution, she yelled: “The rhubarb crumble’s in the fridge!”

A) Martha Stewart would be proud of her!

B) Can we get her recipe? We’d make a mint!

Keep curry British

4 Responses to “Lock Up Your Cervixes! It’s National Curry Week!”

  1. Manoa Says:

    All that talk of pineapple and curry makes my mouth water, because I just had the best pineapple the other day, Maui Gold–ever had it? I highly recommend.

  2. Glinda Says:

    Some women late in their third trimester, will do just about anything to get that kid out!

  3. raincoaster Says:

    I hear in Silicon Valley all you have to do is tie an iPhone to the inside of each thigh.

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