Tasering the Teenies, Part Two. Click for Part One. And here I thought it was all a joke.

Nope; silly me! According to the Daily Mail the UK is all over this stuff!

Police have been given the go-ahead to use Taser stun guns against children.

The relaxing of restrictions on the use of the weapons comes despite warnings that they could trigger a heart attack in youngsters.

Until now, Tasers – which emit a 50,000-volt electric shock – have been used only by specialist officers as a “non lethal” alternative to firearms…

Amnesty International claims Tasers have been responsible for 220 deaths in America since 2001. Many cities and police forces there have banned their use against minors.

Two years ago in Chicago a 14-year-old boy went into cardiac arrest after being shot with one. Medics had to use a defibrillator four times to resuscitate him.

Taser International, the American firm that makes the device, said tests on pigs suggested the weapons were safe.

I will forgo the obvious pun.

There are not many things better than male bonding at a baseball game, am I right?

Maddox is so excited and fascinated with whatever object he is pointing at. He is adorable with his front teeth missing.

Brad, the boy selling newspapers on the corner wanted me to ask if he could have his hat back, please!

And, I’m guessing that the man sitting right behind Maddox is forever grateful that he did not move even a fraction of an inch when this photo was taken. Because being known for the rest of your life as the dude with Maddox Jolie-Pitt’s finger up your nose would totally suck.

As part of my duties here at Teeny Manolo, I look at a lot of shoes and clothing. One day, I stumbled upon a site wherein my eyes were greeted with this picture. And I apologize in advance for subjecting you to the embroidery close-up. Why did they feel the need to focus on the fact that it is indeed a sunflower? Would people have gotten upset if they ordered it and it looked like a daisy? Were they afraid of false advertising lawsuits? I’m confused. Anyhoo, here it is:

Now, I’m not really sure about this sort of thing. I don’t have a daughter, so I suppose you could say that I can in no way imagine the type of bond in which it would seem like a good idea to dress as clones. I know that little girls can worship their moms, but is it really a good idea to match?

I was trying to think of a time when matching clothes would be cute and appropriate, but all I could come up with was a family photo. And even then, sometimes it doesn’t look all that great.

The closest I could come to approving the whole “let’s look alike” thing was this concept from Hanna Anderssen:

It works for me because you are copying colors and patterns but in different ways. So you look similar but not like you are on your way to an identical twin convention. Which really doesn’t work because you are obviously not twins. Do you see why I have a hard time with this concept?

And, just remember, imitation isn’t necessarily the sincerest form of flattery. Not when there’s only one person buying the clothes.

Now, if you’ve been around the internet any length of time, you’ve seen a few lulus of URLs:

• therapistfinder.com
• molestationnursery.com
• speedofart.com
• fordowners.com
• etc, etc

Now, most of those are unintentional portmanteau words that were born from the unsanctified mating of one perfectly respectable word with another perfectly respectable word, in a context where no-one is allowed the decency of so much as an n-dash between. Well, what do you expect, when you throw young words together like that?

But sometimes a really, really bad URL is both intentional and unintentional. Let us examine one such example:

http://PimpMyDaughter.wordpress.com

Yes, that reads “Pimp My Daughter” and yes, it’s supposed to.

The blogmommy says the site:

“exists to have fun, build Amelia’s confidence and to introduce our family to the exciting world of blogging…If you think the name ‘PimpMyDaughter’ implies that I am willing to actually pimp my daughter then you will probably be disappointed (If your name is Bill Gates then we may be able to work something out).”

Beautiful, truly beautiful: really putting the “ass” in “Class” there, Ma. She claims she got the idea from MTV’s “Pimp my Ride” having, apparently, never in her life heard that the word pimp derived from the word…well, pimp.

Who’da seen that coming, so to speak?

When former sex trade workers are leaving you multiple comments suggesting your blog’s name is tasteless and offensive, you should consider the possibility that the blog’s name is tasteless and offensive. If you’re fine with it, brazen it out, but expect Parents Day at school to be a mite frosty for all ages. If you’re not fine with equating yourself with criminally abusive parents who rent their children out for sex, then perhaps you should consider an alternative that is slightly less criminally-abusive-parents-who-rent-their-children-out-for-sex.

I’m just sayin’.

Seriously, folks, am I alone in hoping that instead of a site to give a shy teenager some confidence, this is some sort of tricksy Russian Mail Order Bride scam? It would be a lot healthier.

more at twiigs.com…

Dear Manufacturers of This Shoe,

May I ask, what were you thinking? Were you inspired perhaps by the ingestion of too many Tequila Sunrises and decided that yes, the market for white oxfords was one that was just too large to ignore any longer?

The shoe above is being made in toddler and young boy sizes. The last time I checked, toddlers and young boys had zero interest in being mistaken for either a 70′s disco throwback or a retiree angling for that shuffleboard championship.

You may argue, dear manufacturers, that this precious shoe can be worn by the young men in their role as ring bearers and members of a wedding party. But, anyone who dresses said young men in white suits or tuexedoes, which are surely the only thing this shoe matches even remotely, needs to be given a stern lecture which contains such phrases as “this is 2007, for god’s sake” and “even if you live in the antebellum South, white shoes and tuxedoes are still verboten.” I mean, even Britney on her second (or was that the third?) marriage didn’t sink to the level of white tuxedoes. White satin track suits, perhaps, but even she knew enough to resist the white tuxes.

And lastly, I must confess that I take issue with the name of this shoe, “White Fever.” It conjures up images of some sort of worldwide pandemic, with people quarantined in tents and receiving shots. Definitely not something I would want to buy for my child.

Next time, tell your marketing people to just go all out and give it the name it really deserves. The one they were attempting to evoke, but just didn’t have enough guts to go with all the way. Rename the shoe “Saturday White Fever” and at least you get bonus points for being clever.

Smooches,

Glinda

How to get your kidlets to do all the weeding you promised your spouse you’d get done while s/he was at work. As tricksy methodologies go, this one has legs; I’m pretty sure this was the only way my ancestors ever got their fields harvested. Well do I remember my mother’s taunts of “your sister’s picked a whole basket more strawberries than you; do you think you can catch her?”

And lookie: here’s a whole list of functional, kid-sized gardening tools, so now there’s no excuse for having a ratty yard. Just equip your teeny team and challenge them to make Ye Olde English Lawne Strypes.

Now, I know I’m a little out of touch. It’s been some time since the ol’ raincoaster here was in charge of any wee kidlets; why, ever since they shoved me in the oven and got rescued by that nasty woodsman. But still, thinking back to those sepia-toned days of The Electric Company, dancing babies and teeny, wholesome Olsen Twins, she does not recall anything like the bizarre, jokey hostility displayed by New Line Cinema in the marketing for their rather self-explanatory new movie, Shoot ‘Em Up.

That’s New Line Cinema,
116 North Robertson Blvd.
Los Angeles, CA  90048
United States
t (310) 854-5811
f (310) 854-1824

Let’s see, what have we got here:

Cast your gaze upon the delightful shopping site Bulletproof Baby, your go-to internet destination in case you need to equip the love child of Dr Evil and The White Witch. The t-shirt with the bullet-riddled baby bloodstains on it is particularly charmant. Offerings include:

bullet proof baby insurance
covers: stabbings, shootings, incineration, car accidents, drive-bys, kidnappings, snipers, etc

My first riot helmet
riot helmet provides outstanding protection and superior comfort for your baby.

Truly a site for the times, eh? This puts the viral back in marketing: ebola.

But wait, there’s more!

According to Hollywood gossip site Defamer, the movie’s star Clive Owen is unabashedly pro-baby danger:

“[T]he babies were great. I wish we could have put the babies in even more dangerous situations because they centered the action sequences.”

Ladies and gentlemen, that’s a true showbiz pro.  But we’ve saved the best for last…FeltUpbyJen reports that New Line Cinema is also sponsoring “live” celebrations (of a sort), so if you live in the vicinity of the Alamo Drafthouse Cinema in Austin, Texas, do send us a debriefing of their August 30th event (now sadly passed, but surely the management would love to hear your thoughts).

Featuring a spirited game of “Shoot the baby.”

Join us after the screening for the “live human target” afterparty. Successfully shoot the live human target (with paintball rounds) and win fabulous prizes. Everyone at the screening will have a chance to shoot at three live human targets who will be heckling your abilities while trying to avoid your fire. The human targets will also be tossing around a baby. Shoot the baby for a chance at the grand prize! (Note, targets will be live humans, but in the interest of safety, the baby will not be alive).

Details are scarce at press time, but there is as yet no word on whether the baby was domestic or imported, free range or battery, fresh or frozen, and what role, if any, the not-live baby played in the bbq afterparty.