Teeny Manolo

Belated congratulations to the Dicks of Spokane. 20 1/2 inches is pretty impressive!

Seriously, the kid may get teased in gradeschool, but I think that the post-pubescent payoff will be worth it. Once he’s a grownup, he is going to OWN every honky-tonk he walks into.

From Name of the Year, via Bridlepath who also passes along the delightful Baby’s Named a Bad, Bad Thing. See our previous remarks on no-no’s of nanonomenclature here.

Stolen from a post over at the delightfully twisted dadsmacker blog entitled “As if we needed more evidence that China will soon rule the world,” this is actual video footage of a Taiwanese kindergarten English class. Think about that; they get languages in Kindergarten. Who do you know who’s doing that, other than MadMan Jolie-Pitt, over at the Lycée?

Zut alors!

The teacher’s comments:

This is the way to teach English to Asian kids…the MC Hammer way. I work at an English school in Taiwan and was asked to come up with an idea for a performance. So I came up with this. This video shows one of our first practice sessions putting the whole thing together.

The only thing that could make this better is if they were wearing actual HammerPants. Here’s the video of the final, costumed performance, for fans of green, vaguely tinselly costumes on HammerDancing Taiwanese Kindergarteners. Here’s what their teacher says:

The kids were totally petrified, and performed way worse than the rehersals, but what can I expect from 5 year olds dancing and singing in another language. The best part is at 1:57. These kids have no shame. Keep in mind there were a couple hundred well-to-do parents in the audience. It’s not cheap to send your kids to English schools in Taiwan. But now they can rest easy knowing their money is being well spent. Haha, like on the costumes for example…

By the way, did you know MC Hammer has a blog?

I see it’s an outie. Here’s the lovely Milla Jovovich, your basic immigrant megasuccess story. If I can make a wee confession here, I was always jealous of her; the international modeling career at eleven, the really quite sophisticated album at eighteen, the ice-blue eyes, the fashion line, the men, the movies, the millions.

And now, I have one more thing to be jealous of: how good she looks pregnant. You can see by her arms that she’s put on a bit of weight all over relative to her acting weight, but not vast, Fergie-like amounts. And she is living proof that your looks won’t go to pot when you do that. She feels no need to cover up those decidedly un-stringy arms. Those sexy female hormones need some lipids to work their magic.

One must confess, however, that an eight-months-and-looks-about-to-pop woman watching a horror flick like Resident Evil:Extinction isn’t exactly an advertisement for how gut-wrenchingly horrifying the movie may be. Sure, sure, she’s starring in it. She knows how it ends. I’m just thinking that, if Mama Jovovich’s nerves were less steely, the future Milla Junior’s rebirthing sessions could have been very interesting.

Your caption suggestions in the comments, plzthxkbai!

from the Forgotten Faces Flickrstream

Now, how can I call myself part of the Manolo family and not recommend some shoes? And lo, Awesome Mom, I have found some shoes for boys that I like!

It was tough, let me tell you. When Amazon tells you that there are 6,734 items to look through under boys shoes, they ain’t kidding. I laughed, I cried, I threw the keyboard on the floor in frustration, but finally I found things I would buy for my own son.

I tend to prefer a type of shoe that is a bit of a multi-tasker. That way, perhaps I don’t have to buy quite so many, you know? Shoes that fall somewhere in between a sneaker and a loafer work well, and luckily for me, you, us there are tons of them out there.

But first, how could I resist this “Fun Dog” Rain Boot? Does it not have frivolity and cuteness wrapped up in a functional package? Never mind that where I live, we have been in a drought for about four years. I love these boots. I want a pair for myself

Next up, shoes that are admittedly a bit expensive. However, they look as if they can be worn as easily with windpants and a tee, or jeans and a collared shirt.

And lastly, shoes that are on sale! I admit though, five bucks off isn’t whole lot. But, they are eligible to ship for free! Again, the multi-tasking rules apply to this shoe. I could see this on the playground as well as strolling through the mall.

Now, maybe next time I will be brave and do dress shoes! Or maybe shoes that are black, but I have a thing about black shoes that is perhaps a post for another time.

Hannah Walker was raised on the Downtown East Side. She has been a regular contestant in the Pivot Legal Society’s Hope in Shadows photography contest, which documents life in the poorest neighborhood in Canada (life expectancy has been estimated as low as 33 years). Year after year, she and her friends would line up in Vancouver’s grey streets, often waiting in the rain for hours until they reached the head of the line and each received a disposable camera and an entry form. After the camera was full, they’d drop it off and wait, hopefully.
Last year, after many attempts, she won.

Hannah Walker is fourteen.

Hannah Walker knew it would be a good shot, but the 14-year-old never imagined her photo would be chosen to represent her Downtown Eastside community…it must have struck a chord with fellow DTES residents, who picked Walker’s photo over 41 other entries in a public vote at the Carnegie Community Centre.

Says Pivot Communications Director Paul Ryan, “She’s telling people what it is like for her to live in this community and everyone saw a part of that in the photo. I think people tend to forget children and families live here too. It’s not just what you see driving through East Hastings… It’s hopeful and inspiring.”

You can see a younger Hannah and her buddies in this video, explaining why they’re such enthusiastic entrants. That’s the kind of excitement and optimism that is kids’ special magic and, as we can see from the fact that she did in fact win, it’s not always as sweetly misplaced as us old cynics might think.

When a child competes against adults, it can sometimes be a bruising experience, but much more often in my experience it’s a growth experience and kids, we learn daily, are much more resilient than adults are. Kids come in last and say, “The guy who won said he liked my shoelaces!”

And sometimes, we all win.

by Sukanto Debnath

Really, they do.

But it was a total accident that the lunchbags they were handing out for free just happened to be tainted with a higher-than-admissible amount of lead.

The bags exhort you to “Eat fruits and vegetables and be active.” Never mind the lead poisoning we’re giving you! Go out there and exercise!

The LA Times reports that the lunchbags, given out free at health fairs and other events, were manufactured in China. Wow, you could have knocked me over with a feather when I found that little tidbit out. So suprising!  I suppose the argument could be made that you get what you pay for.

The article states that “People should return the lunch boxes to the places they got them or take them to their local household hazardous waste collection facility for disposal…”  The entire family can take a special trip to the haz mat center and wave goodbye to the receptacle that formerly held their lunches as it joins the batteries, anti-freeze, and pesticides.  Those are the kinds of memories that will last forever.

And as we all know, children are more susceptible to high levels of lead than adults, so it is great to know that people may have been putting their kid’s lunches in a bag that could poison their food! Between the dangerous lunchbags and leaden Dora the Explorers, China will assure it’s world dominance by having the US produce an entire generation of IQ-challenged children!

One of the things I cannot stand are people who think that just because a child is unable to read, that they are given license to dress children in clothing bearing such classy decals as these, from a company called Standard American:

And the winner of the “And You Thought Those Were Bad” Award:

Har-de-har!  That’s a real knee slapper there!  Because child abuse is just so amusing, didn’t you know? Nothing says you are hip and edgy like joking about felony child abuse!

And really, why did they stop there?  Some sort of decency clause in the company mission statement?

I think that anyone who buys something like this and actually expects it to see the light of day needs some serious time on a couch talking about how mommy never liked them best.

Please, please tell me that no one buys these things.  Because I’m going to stick my fingers in my ears and very loudly sing, “La la la la la” and hope that this company will soon go out of business. 

Come in “prom wear” and receive a special Purity T-shirt which says “once you pop, you can’t stop.”

Um. Yeahno.

Wowzer.

What can you say about this? It’s right up there with PimpMyDaughter if you think about it. I mean, the very idea of “Hollywood,” jammed right up against the word “Purity,” not to mention the fact that the event producers proudly declare they are also behind “Hollywood Hellhouse,” and they got, of all the renowned emcees, the right reverend (?) Bill Maher, to host it, a man whose declared pre-show warmup includes such activities as…well, activities which would presumably preclude his attendance at an event dedicated to the Biblical ideal of sexual purity. (Update: note to self, don’t read gossip sites before coffee: the Hollywood Purity Ball is a spoof. These official Purity Balls, however, are real)

Purity Pledges

For Fathers:

I (Daughter’s Name)’s Father, choose before to God to war for my daughter’s purity. I acknowledge myself as the authority and protector of my daughter’s virginity, and pledge to be a man of integrity as I lead, guide, and pray over my daughter and her virginity – as the High Priest of my home.

For Virgins:

I (Name) pledge my purity to my father, my future/husband and my Creator. I recognize that virginity is my most precious gift to offer to my future husband. I will not engage in sexual activity of any kind before marriage but will keep my thought and my body pure as a very special present for the one I marry.

For Secondary Virgins (those who have engaged in promiscuous behavior) and wish to recommit themselves to lives of purity):

I (Name) re–pledge my purity to my father, my future/husband and my Creator. I now recognize that virginity is my most precious gift to offer my future husband. I deeply regret and will never again engage in sexual activity of any kind before marriage but will keep my thought and my body pure as a very special present for the one I marry.

Like, ew.

Am I alone in thinking that there’s just something the teensiest bit revolting about the whole thing? About fathers making sure that their daughters’ first dance and first date is with them? With the idea that virginity is the very best thing that you have to contribute to a marriage? With the really quite queasy-making proprietary interest of the parent in the presumedly future sex life of his child (I refer you to the logo at the top of the post)? With the public declaration of “Genitalia: Never Used! Like New!”

Cast your jaded eyes over the party pix from the gala event and between snickers at the fact that they’ve chosen perhaps the most socially libertarian celebrity they could possibly find to emcee, give a thought to the girls.

These girls are as young as eleven years old. They shouldn’t be dating anyone, let alone someone old enough to be their father! The rest of the world should, by rights, remain blissfully unaware of the state of their hymens, and in certain cases it has insisted on not being informed. Just as schools have been known to cancel “Pimp ‘n Ho” parties, so too they have begun to insist that so-called “Purity rings” do not constitute proper schoolwear.

And quite rightly, too. In this case the girl’s parents insist it’s part of her religion, but while certain sexual practices (including celibacy) may be part of a religious practice, there is no sect that makes the wearing of this ring a part of its doctrine.

Not coincidentally, the girl’s parents are on the volunteer executive of the company that sells these rings.

If gang members are prevented from wearing items which signify their sexual status (red wings, whatever) then surely it’s fair to expect everyone to abide by the same rules, whether or not you get Daddy’s permission.