Quarantine! Stat!

White Fever!

Dear Manufacturers of This Shoe,

May I ask, what were you thinking? Were you inspired perhaps by the ingestion of too many Tequila Sunrises and decided that yes, the market for white oxfords was one that was just too large to ignore any longer?

The shoe above is being made in toddler and young boy sizes. The last time I checked, toddlers and young boys had zero interest in being mistaken for either a 70′s disco throwback or a retiree angling for that shuffleboard championship.

You may argue, dear manufacturers, that this precious shoe can be worn by the young men in their role as ring bearers and members of a wedding party. But, anyone who dresses said young men in white suits or tuexedoes, which are surely the only thing this shoe matches even remotely, needs to be given a stern lecture which contains such phrases as “this is 2007, for god’s sake” and “even if you live in the antebellum South, white shoes and tuxedoes are still verboten.” I mean, even Britney on her second (or was that the third?) marriage didn’t sink to the level of white tuxedoes. White satin track suits, perhaps, but even she knew enough to resist the white tuxes.

And lastly, I must confess that I take issue with the name of this shoe, “White Fever.” It conjures up images of some sort of worldwide pandemic, with people quarantined in tents and receiving shots. Definitely not something I would want to buy for my child.

Next time, tell your marketing people to just go all out and give it the name it really deserves. The one they were attempting to evoke, but just didn’t have enough guts to go with all the way. Rename the shoe “Saturday White Fever” and at least you get bonus points for being clever.

Smooches,

Glinda

13 Responses to “Quarantine! Stat!”

  1. Awesome Mom September 4, 2007 at 4:08 pm #

    Bwahaha!

  2. Glinda September 4, 2007 at 5:35 pm #

    AM- Always glad to provide some entertainment for you!

  3. Julia September 4, 2007 at 5:36 pm #

    I know a woman who sticks her sons, all of whom are under age six, in shoes EXACTLY like these. She also decorates their rooms with precious Dick-and-Jane-style artwork and dresses them in sailor suits. (Seriously. Sailor suits.) Naturally, her offspring have turned into evil-eyed little psychopaths.

    In the words of the immortal Cynthia Heimel, if you can only appreciate children when they’re covered in ruffles and lace–or these shoes, which are totally the male equivalent–then find yourself a niece.

  4. Glinda September 4, 2007 at 5:51 pm #

    Julia- Sailor suits? Do they have bowl haircuts too? And please tell me she at least leaves out the hats.

  5. Julia September 4, 2007 at 6:02 pm #

    No bowl haircuts, thankfully. And the oldest one goes to a private kindergarten, so his little dignity is saved by their uniform policy. But you haven’t lived until you’ve seen three tiny children that look like one of those fake-vintage Hallmark images whaling on each other with sticks in the backyard.

  6. raincoaster September 4, 2007 at 8:48 pm #

    I’d love a pic of sailor-suited kidlets playing on the Playstation. I wonder what she’d do with a girl…no, I don’t have to wonder. I’ve seen too many of them with so many petticoats they can’t put their arms down.

    I must confess I love the preppy look, but the only place those are appropriate now are cocktail parties at the Club and toddlers so rarely throw cocktail parties at their clubs. I think of this shoe as the Gatsby Junior.

  7. Margaret September 4, 2007 at 9:15 pm #

    I should have gotten THOSE for my wedding. dangitalltoheck. :)

  8. Glinda September 4, 2007 at 9:50 pm #

    Julia- Some Moms need to construct their own fantasy world, or else they can’t live in the real one. Did that make sense?

    Rain- I adore the preppy look, and I like oxfords, just not white ones. Two-tone ones are awesome.

    Margaret- Aw man, don’t you be going all Britney on me!

  9. Frontier Former Editor September 4, 2007 at 10:21 pm #

    I’m laughing my ass off because I just invested in factories that produce grey two-piece suits, red bow ties, white shirts and Brylcreem. Guess I’ll be cornering a certain market share soon . . . .

  10. Glinda September 4, 2007 at 11:19 pm #

    FFE- In no time, you will realize profits greater than you’ve ever dreamed! Buy more stock, buy more!

  11. Twistie September 5, 2007 at 10:53 am #

    What frightens me is that they look exactly like the shoes that blighted my life when I was six – except mine were brown. My feet are shaped like cubes. I wear a small size for my size, but they’re nearly as broad as they are long and then I have this wickedly high instep. Every time I needed shoes, it was a matter of finding the one pair in the store that my little cubes could be squeezed into without mangling them.

    I’ve never recovered from the trauma.

    (clutches blankie, rocks in corner)

  12. Ginger September 5, 2007 at 2:26 pm #

    When I first saw the picture I thought they looked a lot like the shoes I wore in the band in college. It was okay, though, because 300 other people were wearing them, too! And I have never put my son in any silly sailor-suit or frilly frock best reserved for girls.

  13. Glinda September 5, 2007 at 6:47 pm #

    Twistie- I am so sorry to be the one to send you to your blankie!

    Ginger- Band shoes are a totally different story, they are part of the “uniform” if you will.