Attack of the Baby Haters!

Now, I know I’m a little out of touch. It’s been some time since the ol’ raincoaster here was in charge of any wee kidlets; why, ever since they shoved me in the oven and got rescued by that nasty woodsman. But still, thinking back to those sepia-toned days of The Electric Company, dancing babies and teeny, wholesome Olsen Twins, she does not recall anything like the bizarre, jokey hostility displayed by New Line Cinema in the marketing for their rather self-explanatory new movie, Shoot ‘Em Up.

That’s New Line Cinema,
116 North Robertson Blvd.
Los Angeles, CA  90048
United States
t (310) 854-5811
f (310) 854-1824

Let’s see, what have we got here:

Bulletproof baby

Cast your gaze upon the delightful shopping site Bulletproof Baby, your go-to internet destination in case you need to equip the love child of Dr Evil and The White Witch. The t-shirt with the bullet-riddled baby bloodstains on it is particularly charmant. Offerings include:

bullet proof baby insurance
covers: stabbings, shootings, incineration, car accidents, drive-bys, kidnappings, snipers, etc

My first riot helmet
riot helmet provides outstanding protection and superior comfort for your baby.

Truly a site for the times, eh? This puts the viral back in marketing: ebola.

But wait, there’s more!

According to Hollywood gossip site Defamer, the movie’s star Clive Owen is unabashedly pro-baby danger:

“[T]he babies were great. I wish we could have put the babies in even more dangerous situations because they centered the action sequences.”

Ladies and gentlemen, that’s a true showbiz pro.  But we’ve saved the best for last…FeltUpbyJen reports that New Line Cinema is also sponsoring “live” celebrations (of a sort), so if you live in the vicinity of the Alamo Drafthouse Cinema in Austin, Texas, do send us a debriefing of their August 30th event (now sadly passed, but surely the management would love to hear your thoughts).

Featuring a spirited game of “Shoot the baby.”

Join us after the screening for the “live human target” afterparty. Successfully shoot the live human target (with paintball rounds) and win fabulous prizes. Everyone at the screening will have a chance to shoot at three live human targets who will be heckling your abilities while trying to avoid your fire. The human targets will also be tossing around a baby. Shoot the baby for a chance at the grand prize! (Note, targets will be live humans, but in the interest of safety, the baby will not be alive).

Details are scarce at press time, but there is as yet no word on whether the baby was domestic or imported, free range or battery, fresh or frozen, and what role, if any, the not-live baby played in the bbq afterparty.

Agents ate my baby!

22 Responses to “Attack of the Baby Haters!”

  1. Nariya September 2, 2007 at 12:18 pm #

    Uhhh… wow. Just, wow.

  2. Glinda September 2, 2007 at 1:16 pm #

    Clive, Clive! Words can hardly describe how disappointed I am in you!

    And, so kind of them to be so detail-oriented and not use a live baby for paint-shooting target practice.

  3. raincoaster September 2, 2007 at 9:36 pm #

    They don’t say what kind of shape the baby was in when they got it, though. Maybe it’s one of Meg Ryan’s adoption rejectees?

  4. triticale September 2, 2007 at 11:24 pm #

    A lot of us gun folk disapprove of the paint-ball sport because it involves using a gun (yeah, the euphemism is marker) in a way which is a direct violation of one of the absolute rules of gun safety. Never allow the muzzle to point at anything you are not prepared to destroy. As for the use of a baby doll as a target, I don’t know anyone in the shooting community who wouldn’t be disgusted.

  5. mjd September 2, 2007 at 11:33 pm #

    Old Corky says that we should stop by and comment. My comment -the world is more bizarre everyday.

  6. Lon Horiuchi September 2, 2007 at 11:41 pm #

    How do I get an entry form? I only missed by a hit last time.

  7. raincoaster September 3, 2007 at 12:37 am #

    triticale, thanks for your thoughts. I agree 100%. Quite frankly, people like me are the reason gun control works; thank god I don’t have access to weapons, nor the mental deconditioning of playing “Shoot the Baby” FFS!

    mjd: how right you are…or maybe because of blogs we’re just becoming better-informed about the weirdnesses.

    Lon, I think you’ll have to ask New Line. Do tell them we sent you.

  8. Lon Horiuchi September 3, 2007 at 1:17 am #

    “thank god I don’t have access to weapons, nor the mental deconditioning of playing “Shoot the Baby” FFS!”

    The first try it takes some effort. But the frustration of a clean miss, just because the mother flinched, and on the second try you know you will be more determined.

  9. AM Edition September 3, 2007 at 1:44 am #

    It’s like laughing at a train wreck. You know you shouldn’t, but you do anyways.

  10. raincoaster September 3, 2007 at 2:06 am #

    How is it they didn’t give you a part in this, Lon? You’re a natural.

  11. Ofc. Krupke September 3, 2007 at 4:22 am #

    That woman has horrible shooting form. She’s not even using the sighting system properly.

  12. raincoaster September 3, 2007 at 4:49 am #

    No wonder the baby escaped. Team Baby!

  13. Daniel September 3, 2007 at 7:34 am #

    Sick, just sick.

  14. Brian Macker September 3, 2007 at 7:58 am #

    One movie bullet hitting the carriage should have sent it flying across sidewalk and smashing into the wall in the background.

  15. Matt September 3, 2007 at 11:49 am #

    Check out Hard Boiled. Chow Yun-Fat saves the babies while shooting up the bad guys.

  16. Lon Horiuchi September 3, 2007 at 2:02 pm #

    “How is it they didn’t give you a part in this, Lon? You’re a natural.”

    They were probably unwilling to give me a second try, after I botched the first one. If the lady hadn’t flinched at the last second, it would have been a “two for one.” The roads not taken — aren’t they always the saddest memories?

  17. raincoaster September 3, 2007 at 4:51 pm #

    Gotta luv Chow Yun-Fat! Lon, Lon, you’ve got to move on, man. There’s always a next time.

  18. Twistie September 3, 2007 at 9:06 pm #

    While I abhor the thought of subjecting even a not-live baby (whether free-range or battery) to being a target for money…for someone else, there are neighborhoods not five minutes from mine where I think Baby’s First Riot Helmet might not be such a bad idea.

  19. raincoaster September 3, 2007 at 10:35 pm #

    Welcome to my world.

  20. Lon Horiuchi September 5, 2007 at 11:03 pm #

    I know I must move on. But a career in the dumpster over one ill-timed shot. So sad. I hang out around child care centers, thinking it over. And the police roust me, thinking I’m a degenerate. And when I explain, no, it’s not that, I’m just sitting here reliving the past, old memories, crosshairs on one of them and everything going bad from there, the officers don’t seem to understand. Sometimes they even throw up. I have to show them my FBI credentials before they leave me alone with my memories. It’s post traumatic stress syndrome, but nobody gives a hoot! Maybe I should sue.

  21. raincoaster September 17, 2007 at 1:17 am #

    Mind you, the movie’s tanking, so that’s some consolation.

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